Are you (still) single? Don’t just fall for any old bachelor—find your perfect match on Facebook!
Listen, my daughter; give ear to my teachings. If you desire love and marriage and babies, in that order exactly, then follow the wisdom of Mother.
Once you think you have met the man of your dreams on this new networking site called Facebook, trick him into giving you his Facebook password. A few suggestive photos might help this along. If he really loves you, he’ll be happy to oblige . . . While he is away from his computer, search for the following signs in his personal games section:
FarmVille Will he neglect you?
Does he water his crops regularly?
Does he feed his animals regularly?
Does he turn a good profit?
Does he avoid taking risks when driving the tractor?
PetVille/FishVille Will he spend lots of time with you?
Does he spend quality time with the ones he loves?
Does he maintain their furry coats, their vitamin supplies?
Does he give his furry friends enough exercise?
Will he buy them the royal deluxe bed?
Mafia Wars Will he always be as soft and gentle as Charmin’ toilet paper?
Is he staying away from those violent, murderous games?
Scrabble Can you have eternally intelligent conversations?
Does he have a large vocabulary?
Can he spell?
What is his highest score?
Live Poker Will he spend all his money on you?
Is he a gambling addict?
Can he keep his money in his wallet when he is on a winning streak?
Vampires: Bloodlust Is he cracked in the head?
Is he a blood-thirsty weirdo?
Street Racing Is he a dangerous driver?
Does he pick a car for its safety, its gas mileage, its room for the kiddos?
Does he run the car until it’s empty or does he top up every time it gets to 1/4 tank?
Does he keep his driver’s license updated?
Does he have any speeding tickets?
My daughter: all of these questions are so very important. Nobody wants to end up with a neglectful, selfish, violent, stupid, spendthrift, weird daredevil. This is why I encourage you to be deceitful, to spy on him, to judge him, and to assume much. Only then will you know if you are getting a gift from heaven, itself; or a pasty-faced, sparkly douchebag who likes climbing trees. Facebook can reveal all of these things (and more, if you sign over all of your personal information).
You know I only want the best for you.
Sweet dreams, my little cherub,
Your loving Mother